As the holidays approach, many of us return to families with values that no longer align with our own. Here’s how to spot the legacy culture at play, and shift from silence to 'high accountability' communication.

We talk often about “organisational culture,” but less about the culture of the first organisation we ever belong to – our family.

Christmas Day can be a high pressure environment. It often reactivates childhood norms that clash with the modern values we now live by. The legacy culture we were raised in may feel increasingly out of step with our present day lives.

The legacy of the transactional childhood

For decades, both businesses and families operated on a transactional model. You were rewarded for staying silent, for performing your role, or for meeting expectations.

Harmony was valued over honesty. But in today’s communication landscape, that model is redundant. We’re now shifting toward a more transformational culture – one that values self-awareness, inherent worth, and accountability.

The discomfort you feel during the holidays may not be personal. It might just be a Lens Gap – different generations interpreting the same environment through completely different cultural filters. In the workplace, we’d call this a misalignment. In families, we call it Christmas.

Tool 1: Strategic disengagement – “Let them”

Communications expert Mel Robbins has a powerful framework called the “Let Them” theory. The principle is simple: you cannot control how someone interprets your life. If a relative clings to an outdated version of you, let them. You are not responsible for someone else’s cultural “upskilling.” Your emotional energy is better spent with people who meet you in the present.

Tool 2: High accountability communication – “Call it”

While we can let people have their opinions, we don’t have to let those opinions pollute the environment. Silence in the face of bias – whether racist, gendered or religious – can act as an unspoken co-signature.

One effective technique is the Mirror Question:

• “What did you say?”
• “I don’t think I understand the joke – can you explain why that’s funny?”

This tactic forces the speaker to hear their own words, stripped of your silence. If it lands awkwardly, that’s theirs to process, not yours to manage.

Family audit: legacy or transformational culture?

Try this self-check during your next gathering. Are you sitting in a transactional or transformational culture?

The Red Flag (Transactional) ----- The Green Flag (Transformational)

You edit yourself to keep the peace. ............ You speak openly without fear of retaliation.

You are valued for what you do. ............ You are valued for who you are.

“That’s how we’ve always done it.” ................ “We’re open to growing together.”

“You’re too sensitive.” ................. “Thanks for pointing that out.”

Love is conditional on performance .................... Love is constant – it doesn’t need to be earned.

If most of your experience falls into the Red Flag column, it’s not just a communication issue, it’s a culture issue. In business, we’d call it a toxic workplace. In a family, we often call it tradition.

Three tips for a clearer holiday season

1. Audit your boundaries: If the cost of keeping the peace is your integrity, the price is too high.
2. Stop the reward loop: You don’t owe anyone a version of yourself that no longer fits.
3. Be the mirror: Ask reflective questions. Disruption is part of growth.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a restful holiday period filled with the kind of clarity and connection that feels true to who you are today. May your season be defined by mutual respect, genuine presence, and the courage to be your own best advocate.

Disclaimer:

This article is shared with the intention of empowering you and providing helpful communication tools for the holidays. However, please remember that these strategies are for general guidance and reflection.Every family dynamic is unique. If you are dealing with deep seated trauma, safety concerns, or relationships that feel overwhelming, please prioritise your own well-being above all else. These tools are meant to support your growth, but they are not a replacement for the personalised care and expertise of a professional therapist or counselor. We encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional if you need a safe space to navigate your specific journey.Support Services Useful Numbers